2013 Reflections

2013 was hands down the most challenging year of my life to date.  But, I cannot go without being thankful for so much at the same time.  I made it!  I have survived almost 9 months of a new and hard reality.  As I cried in despair in those first months I would have never thought I could make it another day,  week,  or month.  In those first days I would have never thought it possible  to make it 9 months. 

I cannot imagine another 9 months.   But, If I am called to live this way another 9 months I am sure I will make it just as I have.  I won't say it has been a pretty 9 months to watch.  Very far from pretty.  But, I have to pat myself on the back.  We made it through a very hard 9 months. Our family is still together and putting this eye fiasco aside we have been so blessed this year!  Praise God that blessings have poured down on us continuously through this hard. 

Todd and I went over to the dome this afternoon to talk about our future plans in regards to upcoming surgeries. At one point I commented on how I am a completely different person because of the challenges brought to me this year.  I sure wish I wouldn't have had to go through what I have, but I like the new me so much better.  To God be the glory. 


Please continue to pray for us.  2014 is going to be another long journey in this battle.  upcoming surgeries are likely in the near weeks. My heart is so anxious, but also so tired and ready to take the risk for any possibility of relief and or improvements.  We continue to meet with new surgeons and discussing the best course of action and steps to take.  We have really taken our time this time and are getting closer each day to scheduling and choosing which dr. and the path to take.  I realize my vision will never be what it was and always experience disturbances, but we pray they can be greatly minimized so I can live a much better quality of life. 

Right now this is how I feel.......

Risk is right,  It is better to lose your life, Then to waste it.  ~John Piper 

The choice/risk that we feel will bring the most glory to God is to trust, have faith, and try to do every measure we can to fix my vision.  For the sake of my family, my sanity, and allow for God to use this story to reach others. 

Living in my current condition and quality of life feels like a waste of my life if I don't try.  In a way I have lost my life and want to give up.  That doesn't sound like a good risk/choice to take. 

And when the time comes for surgeries just as Joab in 2 Samuel 10.  I have to trust---"May the Lord do what seems good to him.

If my vision is greatly improved and I am able to live a very "normal" functioning life.....or if my vision is taken from me.  I will have to trust that the Lord will do what seems good to him.  This is one thing that I said I would not go into another surgery until I was ready to trust and believe this with my whole heart.  We selfishly pray and plead these surgeries will have the best possible outcome and we can turn a page in this disaster.  We so long for a break and deliverance from this hard.  Please pray that with us, would you? 

If you have tough decisions and choices in your life.  I pray for you too.  It is so hard when neither choice feels good or right, but we still have to make it.  We have no idea how things will turn out and we just have to trust the one who has the control. 

What do you need to lay over and trust God with in your life right now?  May you lay it down and give it over and trust like Joab.  May the God that knows us better then we do.  The creator of our universe do as he pleases and sees fit.  The story will play for His best and for His glory. 

goodbye why? and goodbye why me?

I know many of my posts or conversations might seem very silly and irrational.  But, you are witnessing real life grief and I know it can seem very irrational at times.  It is okay.  This is real life.  I am being transparent.

To be honest.  The days continue to be agonizing.  tears run down my face many times a day.  like right now.  the emotions are so strong and present that many times I cannot even hold it in.  I feel like it has gotten worse to the point that I can't even be in a church service or around certain people during this intense grief.  The pain is so deep and so raw that I uncontrollably start crying.  I never know when it will hit.  and to spare it from people I just leave to do it alone.  For instance.  Yesterday I was only able to be in the church service for a short time before I just couldn't take it.  I had to leave and go for a walk down a nearby very out in the middle of nowhere country road and sob at every step I took.   Crying out to God.   I still believe, but I am sorry I cannot attend church right now.  I honestly think since my procedure on April 18th I don't know if I have sat through an entire service yet.  Most days I can't even walk into the sanctuary.  It is very hard to explain.  I love my God, but right now I have to be in His presence alone.  I am wrestling with so many things and it is a very emotional time and I can't sob in the middle of every church service.  It is also becoming very hard to be around people who can see right, which is literally everyone I know.  People that have everything going right in there life and life is good.  It is too hard right now to be in the presence of those people.  If I do... when they ask how I am doing I usually start sobbing.  I am tired of being so vulnerable to everyone.  Sometimes I am okay, but I never know when i will lose all emotional ability to keep it together.

The other thing that is so hard, is that I know that I am literally one of the only people in the world that has experienced visual disturbances like mine.  I looked online for a support group of people who have had negative visual complications from corrective eye surgery.  As I read all these people complaining about glares and halos, and goshting and how there life was ruined and had to quit jobs etc.  I sobbed.  because I have all of that, plus my worse symptoms none of them had.  The flashing, and flashy double image that is being shot out of my second pupil from my damaged iris.  I have 3 flashy double images from my right eye.  I realize that what I have is so bad and so rare.  A support group makes me feel even worse because they only have half of what I do and it has wrecked there life.  No wonder my life is in shambles.  it confirms how bad and alone I am in this.  No one can relate to me.

okay, now that is out.  The reason I am writing.  Since the days this happened I have sobbed to God asking WHY?  and WHY ME???  over and over!  I do not feel strong enough to handle such a tragedy.  It seems so unfair.  Not just to me, but my poor kids and family too.

I listened to a sermon last night on Job and suffering.  I came to some realizations.  Even though I so desperately wish I could understand  I don't need to know why.  There is a good chance that during my life here on earth that I will never get the answer.  God is so powerful and the reason I may never know is because I could not even begin to comprehend his explanation.  Job never knew why he was enduring terrible trials .  But, look at the millions of people he has impacted with his story.  yes, if God would have told him that during it would have been nice I am sure, but then the story would not have played out like it should have.  He couldn't have fully trusted if God gave him the reasons to trust him.

Here is what I do know that I have to cling to!  God hates bad things from happening. It was not supposed to be this way.  Satan is what caused bad and evil.  God allows satan to put forth his wrath, but because God is the one ultimately in control he will win by not allowing satan victory over the evil sent our way.  Just like in Job he will allow satan choices and tell him which evil can be used against people.  Only the things that God can turn to good and ultimate victory over satan.  God is love and is all powerful and even through evil he wants what is best for me and my family.  I must embrace this suffering instead of asking why.  I have to trust in his goodness and love for me.  I can go watch the sunset and the wonderful creation and know within a few seconds that I cannot comprehend God and his details to life.  I cannot understand or grasp his power and plan.  I just have to trust.  trust, trust, trust.

I have decided that the only way I can survive right now is to read about suffering, grief, and listen to sermons.

Here is the bad part.  I understand all of this.  I grasp it.  BUT, the second I walk away and start living life and taking care of my kids the burden and suffering are still so hard.  Even though I know this it doesn't excuse the fact that I can't teach, raise, and be with my kids like a normal person.  I still can't function normally.  I still have to live every second suffering and let's be honest.  It is miserable and seems so unfair.  I unfortunelty can't have a sermon about rising above during each moment to get through.  At least not right now.  I am still very frustrated that life can't be "normal" like it used to be.  and the fact that it may never be.  If I live to 60-80.  that is a lot of seconds, minutues, days, weeks, and years of never getting a break from suffering.

But, I will cling to trusting God and that he knows what he is doing and he will spin this disaster to somehow be best for us all.

I will save it for another day soon.  But, I have come up with a list of specific prayers that I am praying for this surgery.  Friends, this nightmare is real.  But, i do have hope and a chance for a miracle to take place through these upcoming surgeries.  Iris repair is one of the hardest and most difficult eye surgery's.  Lots of risks and complications are very real.  I have been through the wringer.  I am praying like never before as my quality of life depends on it right now.  That God will please have mercy on me and put a hedge of protection from harm and guide the dr. to restore my right eye now (and later my left).  There is room for a miracle and even though for many days I have doubted it to be possible.  All things are possible with God.  I will cling to this truth.  I beg and plead for God to show me his healing power.  That through all this pain and suffering I have endured in the last year.  That a piece will be taken away through this healing.  I pray for a break and a light in this darkness.  For him to show me that through such a tragedy that only through him can he restore this and we will give him all the glory.

As I cry out to him most of all right now, I know that things are bad, but through upcoming surgeries it could be worse if complications arise.  I have wrestled with the peace and confidence from God to precede on August 8th.  I have cried out to him that if he is not going to protect and bring about some relief from symptoms safely that I don't want to do it.  maybe I would be better off to leave things alone.  I sent Todd out to pray for a few hours this past weekend and he came back feeling like we are heading in the right direction.  I just feel like if God leads us this way that I want to have complete faith in his hand fully bathed in this situation.  With tears streaming down my face I plead and beg of him that the reason I ask for this assurance is because I can't bear to pile on more right now.  I need a break and not more.  So, as of now please pray for the correct guidance.  If God is not going to use these surgeries to be succesful please don't take me down another dark path.  That he would give us obvious signs to not do this.

We survived! ....almost...

Todd has been gone since last Friday afternoon taking Doctorate classes up at IWU.  We had planned to spend the week in Indy so I would have help.  Those plans fell through so the kids and I have been alone all week.  It came as a shock on the Saturday that we wouldn't have help which I had planned on.  I was also dealing with intense grief during this time and was hardly coping.  I couldn't believe I was put in this position.  I had no idea how I would survive with no help while also experiencing tremendous pain. 

6.5 days in and I just want to say that it has been an unexpected blessing.  Who would have thought?  I was terrified even on days I was feeling good over the last 6 years when I knew Todd was going to be gone for 1 day.  ;)  We have been traveling out of town every week since the first of June for various things and it has been a nice relaxing week to finally be home and not leaving again.  I have had precious time alone with my kids.  it has been quiet after the kids go to bed.  Every evening I have gone out to our bridge and field and walked while watching the sunset and talking and listening to God.  I love our backyard and field.  It has been such a blessing during these 3 months.  I plan to go out every evening.  It is at these moments that I can look out at the beauty and forget this nightmare I am living and cry out to God.  Thank him for my life and the path he has laid before me.  I have a new relationship with my savior.  I am broken and helpless.  I have no strength on my own.  I am in constant reliance of God for every second.  I fall to my knees many times a day because He is my only strength.  When you have lost all outside earthly help you cling to the heavenly father in a way like never before.  I feel blessed to be able to have come to  a place where I have complete dependence to him. I have never been at a place to so desperately need him before.  It is pretty great when I think about out.  Thank you Lord for stretching me and never leaving me this week.

Todd is coming home late tomorrow and we are all so excited for him to come home.  I think when you are away from loved ones I think your love for them grows stronger.  I know he missed us terribly and is so anxious to pull in our driveway.  Todd wanted to come home when he found out I was going to be alone all week with the kids.  I told him to stay because I wanted him to follow his dreams and if he quit it would haunt him the rest of his life.  I am so glad he listened and stayed.  I know he is ultimately furthering his career because he loves us and wants to support us.  I am grateful for his hard work and never complaining for all he does for us.  At one point I told him I didn't want to talk to him because I didn't want him to have to hear me cry and worry for us.  I wanted him to focus on his school.. He told me it was not a burden because he is me!  What a beautiful picture of marriage.  I am truly blessed.  He even told me if I do go blind from my next surgeries that he will stay with me forever and he will enjoy being fat and not shaving.  :) 

1 more day and we will have survived!  I am so thankful that yesterday evening for the first time after all week the severe pain that it lifted so I could function better.  So, the kids and I have been cleaning like crazy today and a dear friend and her boys are coming to mow the grass for us tomorrow.  My goal is for Todd to come home to a clean house and freshly mowed yard so we can just enjoy relaxing and being a family this weekend.  On Monday he starts in full swing with getting ready for school and hiring an assistant principal and then school starts in 2.5 weeks!

I pray that I have a compassionate and servant heart for those going through suffering and trials.  That I will jump to help others in need without even asking what they need, but to know the needs and meet them.  I have been able to be on the receiving end of some pretty awesome and giving people and it is truly the hands and feet of Christ blessing me.  There have been times I didn't know how I could go on and someone reaches out and blesses me.  A sweet gift being showered down from my heavenly father.  Whenever the spirit leads to help someone in need I am going to follow because I know how much it can bless someone's life.  Lord use me and show me even in my own suffering those I can serve and be your hands and feet. 

I do not know how this situation will end, but I know God is able.  I pray with my whole being that God will heal and use this situation to bless others and that I am changed and molded into his image!

Turning things off

I wanted to write a quick update.  I am feeling strongly called to disable facebook and most internet connections.  I am also feeling called to have my phone turned off the majority of the day.  I will also not be turning on the tv.  This has been laid on my heart many times before, but now more then ever. 

I hardly have the strength to survive and when I get into my worst times I retreat to the internet and fb to avoid life.  I know that instead my kids need me, I need to spend time with my God.  I haven't had the strength to do school with the kids, but yet I can read on the internet etc.  It is so hard on my eyes to read and function on the computer and I need to save the little reading I do have to teach my children and read to them.

Please pray that through this time I will grow stronger to my Lord and hear his presence that I feel so strongly has left.  May in the quiet I hear the holy spirit speak to me to get me through each hour and day.  May I now be fully His without my biggest distractions from him right now.  May I now run into his arms and hide in HIS presence.

If you can't reach me, just now that I am not avoiding you.  This is just a phase in my healing that needs to take place.  I need to listen to the holy spirit and follow his leading right now because it is all I have.  I cannot do this on my own and feel so alone anymore.  I need His help.  I need to somehow find him again and even if I am called to a life of suffering that I can still live it to the fullest and serve him.  I cannot do that on my own strength.

Blessings and this will continue to be a place where I update and share what the Lord is and will do to such a broken life.  May God heal this broken heart and even in my suffering may I praise His name! 


"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my savior, my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. "  Psalm 57:1

Turning a page...

I haven't written in a while and wanted to take the time to post a few things.  As most of you know it has been a rough almost 3 months.  I have struggled emotionally dealing with "this tragedy" in my life.  I have felt like my life is crashing down, turned upside down and the burden of this tragedy is too hard to carry.  The helplessness, hoplessness, and abandonment seems too great and impossible to pick up the pieces accept the new reality and move on.  I have no idea if anyone reading this has experienced a tragedy and up until this point I had no idea the pain of a tragedy.  Of course I had rough times and annoyances in life.  But, not a tragedy.  Having my vision destroyed to a point of not being able to function normally and completely disrupt my life has been a tragedy.  Also, upcoming surgery's that could go good or bad are hard to go through.  My situation may get better, but most likely unless God performs a miracle will I ever come close to "normal" vision again.  By writing this I am not asking for everyone to have pity on me and to make you feel sorry for me. I am just sharing my heart.

Today is our 10 year anniversary and it is a hard day.  I look back at how happy I was....how "perfect" life was then. I so wish I could turn back time to experience that day and that joy and start over and erase this situation.  Will I ever be able to be happy again?  Normally on an anniversary I can look back and think how wonderful the last 9 years....  now my life is forever changed and it is hard.  I had my procedure on april 18th.  July 18th when I hit the 3 months mark will be a hard day.  It is so weird.  Instead of grieving the loss of a person... I am going through grief in losing my vision and the life I had that has been stripped away.  I know what it was like to see "normal" and I just so desperately want to see and be normal again. 

Lord, please.... I beg of you....if I could even just touch a piece of your garment my eyes could be healed..... Lord, if one of my children was going through the pain and suffering that I am going through and I could help them I would... please lord, help your child. 

I cling to the hope that when April 18, 2014 arrives I will be in a much better place!!!

A few weeks ago I picked up a book in the clearance bin at the local christian bookstore.  It was called "Where is God?" a personal story of finding God in grief and suffering.  Today as I laid in bed and cried in complete desperation and helplessness like I have literally everyday since my vision was destroyed I have had a hard time grasping what to do.  Until this procedure I have never cried the tears of complete grief and devastation.  It is such a surreal feeling.  Many times I feel as though I am dying am not even able to breath through the tears, pain, and suffering.  It is not a cry that I would wish upon anyone.  I cannot wait until the day I don't have to experience this.  I hope it is sometime in this life on this earth and I don't have to wait until I am 80 or 90 when I die.

Where is God?  How am I to get through this?  How can I move on?  How can I take care of my kids?  How can I get up out of bed and face each day?  How can I do the little tasks each day with this debilitating pain and visual disturbances that I can't ever get a break from?   I am only 30....am i really going to have to live the rest of my life disabled?  This is so darn horrible!!!!!  Why Me???  Why do my kids and  my husband have to go down this road with me?  They don't deserve this either?  In my deep grief today in losing all hope and where to turn I grabbed my bible, this book, and a devotional and went outside to read.  Mind you with pain extremely bad as a constant reminder and having a hard time with my eyes focusing to be able to read.

I wanted to share some quotes from what I read.  I am not a good writer as anyone here would know.  ;)  But, this author...John Feinberg wrote exactly how I am feeling and it was good to know I am not alone in my thoughts and grief.  maybe it can help someone else... or for those who have not experienced a tragedy to understand on a deeper level to help those going through tragedy and immense grief. His words flowed how I have been feeling....and it is therapeutic to share if nothing else.  

-"THose dealing with personal affliction may find that their suffering disrupts their relation to God.  They may find it hard to serve or even worship God. They may even be tempted to stop believing in God altogether.  The personal experience of evil precipitates a crisis in faith in the believers life."

" I remember thinking that this threat of doom would hang over me and my family every day for the rest of our lives.  There was no morally acceptable way to escape this situation.  There was only one person who could do anything about this and it appeared at that time that God wasn't going to help. Beyond this, it seemed that he had led us into this situation rather than keeping us from it.  As I reflected on the hopelessness of our situation I realized how dismal life can seem.  Beyond the homelessness I felt helpless to do anything."

"Along with those feelings comes a sense of abandonment.  At such times one feels that there is no answer and no help.  Yes, there are friends and family, but what can they do?  They aren't miracle workers.  They have their own families to care for and their own problems to be concerned with.  And with this abandoment people tend to stay away.  For example they may be afraid that they will say the wrong thing or make matters worse.  However remaining at a distance only confirms the worst fear of the people suffering.  There is already the feeling of abandonment, the afflicted feels as though he or she has been given an enormous burden to bear for the rest of his or her life and there will be no help.  When family and friends keep their distance, they communicate that this apparently is true.  The deeper the fear is not just that one feels abandoned by family and friends, but that God is no longer there.  It doesn't matter how much you have sensed God's presence before, at times like this he seems absent.  And when you know that God is the only one who can do anything about the problem , it is especially painful to see his departure.

"These emotions are also accompanied by anger.  The anger may not be particularly rational, but it is nontheless real.  I was angry that this was happening to us.  I never expected exemption just because I am a christian, but I never thought something like this would happen.  In one fell stroke, we learned that my whole family was under a dark cloud of doom.  That kind of catastrophe wasn't suppose to happen.  I was angry.

"I remember thinking repeatedly at the time that none of this made sense.  God is the supremely raional being and yet it seemed that he was actualizing a contradiction in my life,  The contradiction seemed to contradict the Lord's leading in my life.  I didn't know what to do and I didn't even know what to think.  I began wondering if in fact I really understood anything at all about God.  The emotional and psychological pain was unrelenting and the physical results from the stress and mental pain was devastating."

"My problem, instead, was about how in the midst of affliction I could find comfort, and how could I find it in myself to live with this God who wasn't stopping the suffering."

"When the affliction first comes we don't want or need a lengthy discourse to appeal to our mind, and that is so because this isn't primarily an intellectual matter.  Even if you have something profound to say about the situation and you say it, don't be surprised if we are too hurt and confused to absorb it.  We need someone to let us pour out our heart, not someone to give us a lecture, regardless of how brilliant and instructive it might be.  And we need something to take away the pain, and a very big part of that pain is not knowing what these events mean about how God feels toward us.  or how we should feel toward him."

"Even when you have those words, when the pain is new and so intense, the sufferer cannot process what you would say.  By listening you instead gain the right to be heard.  Those who won't listen when listening is needed communicate that they don't care about what the sufferer is feeling and thinking or that it is not all that bad.  In Job his friends came and comforted him and sat with him for seven days and nights and said nothing.

"Romans 8:28 for someone suffering isn't a real comfort.  it is hard to see how that good, whenever it comes and whatever it will be, will make up for the evil that has happened.  Things happen in our world that really are evil.  Don't minimize that fact by appealing to the sovereign God to bring good even out of the most horrible situation.  Somewhere down the road, after the sufferers pain has been somewhat subsided and there has been time to see what God will do in the midst of tragedy, maybe then will it find comfort.  As true as this verse is, it won't make the pain go away."

moving along...

.from my phone here.  maybe prayers are being answered.  too early to say as we donkt know the end result.  but....i get to move forward quicker....which is a huge relief.  dr. snyderks office in cincinnati called and moved my appt. to this thursday at 11a.  it was previously scheduled on july 5.  so....2 weeks sooner.  i ask all prayer warriors for dr. snyder to be the one to be able to restore my vision and give us the guidance and wisdom we need to make the right choices in getting this better.  he is supposedly the best dr. in the world for iris repair.  i pray that he can truly help us and fix this.  i cankt help but be scared that he might tell me i shouldnkt because it is too risky like the other dr.s that would be devestating news.  i donkt feel like i have the strength to pray through this and make the decisions...so please pray for me dear friends.  pray that the dr. will have the wisdom and confidence to fix this and without risks.  and that we will have peace about what we decide to do.  the days are getting harder and the symptoms seem to be getting worse.  the pain i am experiencing is about to make me bed ridden.  i feel like something has to be done.  it is probably worth risks because my quality of life is poor right now.  thank you and i will update as we know more.  my appt. is on the 20th at 11 and they said to expect to be there for 4 hours.

we made it

I wanted to update that we had a nice trip down and are having a wonderful time.  The beach is a piece of heaven on earth.  You can't be mad or grumpy.  It is too wonderful. Just what I need right now.  Maybe the vacation was at the perfect time.  Also I heard from Dr. Snyder that I could see him sooner.  Praise God!  So hopefully end of June I can move forward in beginning the process of getting this resolved. Since this has gotten over our heads we have been consulting with a personal injury lawyer and talked with them again today.   today was a day of thankfulness spending a day with those I love most and actually progessing forward in getting to the Dr. Who I think can help me.  I needed this progression today.  It was one of the first days in a long time that I felt prayers  are being answered with whispers of "it's going to get worked out.  You are going to be okay.  Things will be made right in it's time.  You are not being abandoned or forsaken."

 Adeline had her dance recital and she was so sweet.  I love her.  I cried.  Seeing her on the stage so beautiful and confident filled my broken heart with such joy.  I forgot all hardships at that moment.  I am so blessed despite this trial.  I am and will be such a stronger person because of this.

Doctor appointment updates

I wish I had better news to share, but I really don't.  Neither of the dr.'s in Indy feel comfortable with doing surgery to fix the problem.  They are some of the best in Indy and I trust them if they don't want to.  I want a dr. that feels completely confident to do it.  They have referred me to Dr. Snyder at Cinncinnati eye institute.  He is known to be the best in the world for suturing irises.  Which is what I need fixed.  It is truly so bad that I think risks involved to suture the holes are beginning to seem worth taking.  I just need a dr. that will do it.  I am praying that Dr. Snyder will be that dr.  I have been in contact with his office and should hopefully hear back soon with an appointment scheduled.  Hopefully sooner then mid July. 

Please continue to pray for me.  Seriously!  I have never needed prayer more.  Every waking hour is misery.  I feel like the pain, headaches, and the flash and double vision every time I blink is getting worse.  It is absolutely robbing all joy in my life right now.  I can't enjoy anything.  I am angry at God.  I don't want to pray or read my bible.  It is so hard to having your vision stripped away like this.  It is devastating.  I constanly relive the situation and I am so mad at myself for doing this.  I wish I could turn back time.  I honestly would gladly lose a finger, toe...and probably even a foot or leg over this.  I would really rather lay in bed 24/7 then have to endure this.  I am having to learn patience to see what my fate is going to be.  Right now I feel helpless in not knowing if this will be able to be fixed or if I am left to live with this the rest of my life.  :/  I am so nervous to find out if dr. Snyder will suture it.  I am also left with decisions of taking the lens out etc.  I want to make the right decisions as I feel like I made a very poor decision in deciding to have this procedure done.  I don't want to make another bad one.  And ultimately I am the one to decide if the safest option of living with this the rest of my life and have a poor quality of life or take the risks involved to hopefully remove the symptoms and try to move on with my life.   But, with my luck lately, I can't help but think that if something bad in the surgery will happen it is bound to happen to me. 

Please pray for my kids and Todd.  They need lots of prayer too.  In a way they have lost there wife and mother over the last year with all of my physical problems.  It is so sad and I hate that they have to endure this with me and see me in the constant state that I am in. 

We are leaving for Florida tomorrow.  I don't want to go, but Todd is insisting.  I will be miserable wherever I am.  We my as well be miserable at the beach. I just hate that we have planned to go to the beach and have a wonderful family vacation and I am going to be miserable and not able to enjoy it.  Pray that I can ignore it as much as possible and try to not let my misery bring everyone else down and ruin the vacation.

thanks.  I will update as I know more.  Emery turned 2 yesterday and Adeline has a dance recital tomorrow.   We have a lot of blessings right now too.  Sorry for being a Debbie downer.  After all I have endured this past year I am at a rough place.  Thanks for all who have prayed, fasted, brought meals, sent cards this last year.  Keep the encouragement coming.  It is what is keeping me going.  I never knew how such little gestures can mean so much during difficult times.

update

no i am not drunk and typing like a crazy lady.  i am on phone because our internet is not working and it is not letting me use a lot of functions or go back.  so it looks like i am drunk or on drugs.  so as you read it laughwith me in all the erors.  i just d wanted to post a quick update on my silly eye situation. i still cankt believe this happened.  i am still living a nightmare.  if you are the praying kind please continue to lift me up in prayer.  i need it desperately.  many days i donkt even have the strength to prayer.  i specifically ask for strength to endure each moment as well as my next dr. appt tomorrow morning in indy.   the other dr. i saw last friday i felt encouragedn but then reality set in to what he said.  he told me to ignore the flashing every time i blink and the flashy double visionn halosn glare etc.  he said in a year i wouldnkt notice it anymore..if i really ignored. it.  i am also having severe pain in my right eye from all the extra light and very strong flashes  the reality is setting in.  the risks and spiral of asking for trouble with my eyes is not worth fixing it...  i am left to suffer and accept this as my new life.  i wish i was stronger.  yes i have vision...but i feel like it is completely destroyed.  many times i would rather pluck my right eye out to stop the flashing. i feel left to suffer and that no one can help me.  pray that at this next dr tomorrow i can leave with hope.  i am praying for a contact that can be made that is painted to completely cover the hole in my iris causing this.  we are leaving for florida on saturday and please pray that i can rise above this and enjoy my vacation.  my family needs a break from this and to just be in each others presence having a good time puttting this all behind us.  i can pick it up when i return.  pray that the pain will decrease and a miracle will happen with my brain to block it out.  and i will trust and be paient for the lord.  i still have seen no goodness in this situation.  i am still if not even more in tthe depths of dispair.  i break down and hysterically cry multiple times a day.  i have never been like this before.  i almost feel like i am going through my life watching it from the outside instead of living it because it all seems so surreal.  i am truly blrssed.  i have so much to be thankful for  seriously.  son i am trying to focus on it.  but your vision is involved in everything you do.  and to have it stripped away in this away is really hard to look past in everything i do especially with the added pain and strain headaches from all i am experiencing.  thank you friends.  i will update after my appt. tomorrow with hopefully good news. .

Trials

It is nearly 12 am and I can't sleep.  Life has been rough the last few months and when everyone in the house is asleep I can truly be still, cry out to God, and listen.  Tonight is yet again one of those times and for some reason I felt leading to write about the last few months.  Get it out there.  Maybe writing out my feelings will help me.  Maybe others can join in praying for me.

I admit.  I am angry!  I would really like to scream, beat a pillow, go to sleep and wake up and this nightmare to be overwith.  I have cried out to God over the last several months to intervene, heal, and show me what he wants me to learn because right now I am not seeing the good in these trials.  I honestly feel forsaken and abandoned by God.  (funny my last post was on this).  Little did I know in my last post I had no idea what trials were really like.  Those times were nothing compared to what I am going through now.  One good out of all of this is that I have spent a lot of my life stressing and worrying about things that aren't really important.  I admit I just needed to get over those things relax and move on.  Probably like now too.  Little things don't bother me as much anymore, because I realize the small things aren't worth fighting or fussing about.  The hardest days have hands down been the last year and particularly the last few months.  I have honeslty been scared for my life because of some of the physical and health problems I have been dealing with.  I went to sleep praying I would wake up in the  morning because I felt so bad that I wasn't sure I would wake up alive. I wanted to see my kids grow up and I clung to them not knowing if I would make it another day.  I know that might seem silly, but it is true.  I felt that bad. 

I will spare you all the details, but in short I have a herniated disc in my neck between c-6 and c-7.  It took a long time for me to finally get an MRI.  I have had neck pain for probably 4+ years.  It hit a real head this past year.  But, the pain was so severe that I could barely function.  Then I have no ideal if it was related, but starting in December I began having other major symptoms.  Dizziness, constant nausea, lightheaded, felt like I was going to pass out, and chest pain.  I was trying every natural thing, chiro, yoga, cranial sacral therapy, and accupuncture.  Nothing was working.  That was when I finally had an er visit and got an MRI.  I started epidural nerve block shots in my neck.  I had two and didn't feel enough relief to continue.  I was faced with neck surgery.  I really didn't want to do this.  I prayed and prayed for months as I cried in pain and misery.  I am here to say that after some supplements God has answered a prayer.  A miracle really!  Praise God!  In the last month my pain has DRASTICALLY subsided!  I still have to do therapies and be careful of what I do, but I can function.  I canceled my appt. to meet with the surgeon.  So, see I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  During this time I also started breaking out with the worst acne I have ever had in my life.  It was embarrasing.  Then my eyes started bothering me.  I couldn't wear my contacts and was faced with 6 weeks of glasses.  Acne and glasses.  I felt like a teenager and was embarressed.  I also had a horrible hair coloring fiasco.  I have never felt so self concious in my life.  I know that sounds so silly.  But, in my little world of chronic pain, feeling like I have a constant flu and could die at any moment plus those things.....I felt like my life was crashing around me. I was in complete survival mode taking care of three little kids and no family or much of a support system here.  I was losing my mind.   Then to top it all off...about 4 weeks ago?  I went to the ER 2 times in a week.  I had the feelings of passing out at any moment and really strong heart palpatations and chest pain and short of breath.  They ran thyroid test, EKG, and lots of blood work.  They did find that my potassim and sodium were low and my blood pressure was having episodes of going really high/low and it made me sick.  I was put on a heart monitor for 24 hours.  I had to regularly check my blood pressure and blood sugar.  I felt like I was 80.  ;)  The 24 hour heart monitor picked up constant heart palpatations from an early beat the whole time, but nothing too serious.  Again.... I was praying and pleading to God to heal me and allow for me to live to see my kids grow up.  I felt like every week a new part of my body was failing me.  After going to Indy and meeting with a lady I started taking supplements for my hormones, thyroid, heart support, lymph system, and I am sure many other things....


Praise God!  For litterally 2-3 weeks I have felt great on the inside.  Energy has come back, no dizziness, nausea, heart palpatations, neck pain diminished greatly.  

Now, my acne and eyes still were an issue.  I was not handling glasses very well.  I am legally blind.  -9.50 in glasses and -8.00 in contacts.  I had cheap glasses with scratches and was wearing them when I felt so terrible with dizziness etc.  I wondered if it was my glasses causing it.  I had GPC in my eyes (an intolerance to contacts).  I have worn contacts since I was in 5th grade.  My eyes were tired.  I was told my eyes might not recover.  My eyes were blood shot and very irriated.  So, I decided to see if I would be a candidate for Lasik.  I felt I selfishly deserved a break and an opportunity to hopefully turn a corner.  I was finally feeling better and when I could see right I would feel normal again. 

Well, long story short.  I went on a Monday and had a procedure called ICL done on thursday.  This was not the plan I had intended.  I am still nursing emery and I had also planned to let my eyes heal more and maybe try contacts again.  I felt at peace about it and my family encouraged me to have the procedure. 

Well, here I am 3.5 weeks after the procedure.  These last 3 weeks have been a nightmare.  The dr. made an error.  A personal injury error.  An error that has completely wrecked my life.  I have been left with constant every waking hour glares, halos, starbursts, flashing every time I blink, double vision from all light sources, horrible pain in my right eye, and my vision in my left eye isn't as sharp as it should be.  I have an amazing constant light show.  maybe I should be proud?  I am sure a lucky person to view this all the time.  I am sure not too many people get to experience this spectacle.

LORD?  Are you there?  haven't I had enough pain, suffering, and trials in the last few months to add this?  SERIOUSLY?!?  put a fork in me!  Why did you not intervene and prevent this.  We prayed and felt this was right. 

The mistake is pretty irreversable.  I am having a very hard time accepting my vision and eyes being permanently destroyed.

I need prayer.  Prayer for strength, forgiveness, acceptance, deliverance, hope, joy, peace....and of course a miracle would be nice.  God has performed a miracle in my neck and health.  Praise God that he knew I couldn't handle all of these at once.  So, he healed some of that before this next obstacle was thrown at me.

I have litterally been on my knees crying out to God multiple times a day.  For me to see his goodness in this situation as I currently see none.  For him to be molded and show me what I am to learn through this.  To be purified. To feel his pressence.  To have rays of hope.  To see slight improvements as the days go by.  I feel like I am praying to a brick wall.  I do not feel his presence.  I am mad at myself that I can't rise above the situation and get out of these depths of grieving.

I need to get a grip.  Start a new day when I wake up.  accept my condition....and move on only by the grace of God.  TRUST him.  All things work together for his good.  I cannot do this alone.  I must be in his constant presence.  Keep my eye on heaven.....and cling to the hope of my life there....because in this world my friends..... we will have trials.  oh yes, we wil have trials...  praise God that one day there will be no trials.  I cannot wait for that day... lord please come quickly and until then.... please give me the strength I need to get through each day.....and find a place that even in the midst of suffering to have joy and move past this....and to fully live.... To Him be the Glory.  Amen! 

"For it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you."

I have meant to write on here for a long time, but to be honest I didn't care to.  It has been a rough year in many ways.  But thankfully at the same time it has been a wonderful year.  God has provided and taken care of us.  We built and moved into a new house that I LOVE.  We welcomed Emery into our family and just a few months ago celebrated her first birthday.  Elias and Adeline have also recently turned 3 and 5.  All three kids are so different and special in there own way.   Yes, it has been hard, but God has shown his face evidently when I cried out to him in desperation. Praying that he would help me to know he was near when I felt so alone.  I feel like a nomad.  Todd and I have been married 9 years and lived in 6 homes.  Elias and Adeline have lived in three houses and in Emery's first year has already lived in two.  And I know our moving saga isn't over.. at least I hope.  ;) 

Let's go back to a little over 2 years ago when we moved from Indy to Southern Indiana.  At the time it seemed like such a blessing (and it really was) and we were excited to move to a slower placed life in a rural community.  But, here is where things went different then what I had planned.  You have to realize for 28 years I have lived in Indy (besides a few years in college).  I am a very social person.  I have always surrounded myself with people and always out and about.  I loved living life with my friends and dating Todd for 5+ years doing fun things around Indy.  While I lived at my parents during middle school and high school I spent most weekends and even many evenings not not at home.  I was out with friends and the love of my life.  I was very active in the youth group at my church and we all hung out regularly.  After we got married I got a job at a new church where we made many new friends.  We even became leaders of the newly married/married couples with young children class and led a bible study.  Within this group of new friends we were in essence living life together.  We were all having kids and hanging out as families.  We even had several neighbor families that we talked to on daily while the kids played outside.  With all of that history.  It was my expectation that when we moved to Southern Indiana we would get involved in a wonderful church and make lots of new friends.  Be a in a bible study with young families just like us.  We would live life with them.  They would be dear friends to us.  We would love it.  Our kids would have lots of new friends.  Yes, I was VERY sad to leave our family and friends and the city, but we knew at the time we had to move...

Well, fast forward 2 years.  I have said this many times this past year.  If I could have looked into the future and known when Todd was offered this job how hard this move was going to be on us I would have done ANYTHING to stay in Indy and not have moved.  But, obviously we cannot change the past and what has happened has happened.  It was for some reason!?!?  The first year we moved here I got involved in everything I could to try and meet new friends.  The kids and I joined a play group, I went to Le Leche meetings, story time, and even I took the kids to home school coop classes one day a week.  We were involved in our new church.  The first months here it was exciting.  Everything was new.  Then after about 6 months to a year.  I realized we were not making connections or friends.  Just acquaintances.  From my point of view most people here just hang out with there family.  They all live on the same land next to each other.  Everyone that lives here has grown up here.  They already have cliques and friends.  No one reached out to us because frankly no one like us just moves here.  I was very alone and our poor kids would go DAYS without seeing other kids.  It made my heart ache so badly.  I have never in my life felt so alone.  I had always been surrounded by friends and things to do.  I wanted to be with our old friends.  I wanted our family.  So, after not making connections after trying so hard for a year I sadly gave up.  So, last year... the 2nd year here.  I was extremely alone.  You really begin to feel sorry for yourself when you go to the park, library, or store mainly just to see if you would by chance run into another mom with little kids and then just so happen to bump into them and ask if they would be our friend.  If they would hang out with us.  This happened on many occasions.  Even when I was out driving I would look to see if I saw young moms driving little kids around.  But, sadly I felt as if there was no one my age here.  No one with kids the same age.  Where was everybody?  Was there even anyone our age here?  And I am not even talking exact age.  I would gladly have made friends with plus or minus 10+ years of me.  ;)  It wasn't that I wasn't making friends with people I met, but there just wasn't anyone I could find to even attempt to make friends with.  I could count on one hand after living here a year of people I knew that were similar to my age with little kids.  Todd didn't have friends and never hung out with guys, but he was so busy with work and then coming home to us he didn't care. 

So, this past spring and summer Todd applied to jobs back in the Indy area and also in Washington County because a superintendent called and asked him to interview to be the principal.  He turned down that position mainly because it was early spring and we wanted to keep the door open to not lose an opportunity to move back to Indy.....which we both felt was most important to us.  It was a great position and opportunity and in many ways hard to turn down.  We didn't want to move our family again unless it was back to Indy.  I felt like we were being obedient to God's direction and he would bless us with something better for being obedient.  This spring and summer Todd interviewed at 3 or 4 positions in the Indy area in places that felt so perfect.  Places where I want to move back to.   I hoped God was allowing Todd to get interviews because he was going to land him straight to the perfect job and allow us to leave this "dark" place and come HOME!  As the summer went along and he was turned down for jobs I was a little sad, but I just knew that God had a bigger and better plan.  Something else would open up before August.  Going through the interview process was very hard.  Because when he would have interviews it was hard to not invest my thoughts and hopes into it.  Because if he got the job we would very quickly be putting our house up for sale here and moving back to Indy.  After a couple interviews I even cried out to God.  Please don't give Todd another interview if he isn't going to get the job...unless there is a greater purpose because of it.  The reason is because each possibility would get my hopes up and then be shot down and then go through the emotional roller coaster all over again.  Several times throughout the summer I would even be at peace and content with living here and ready to embrace another year.  But, just as I got peace he would get another call for an interview and bring my hopes up again.  This could be it.  Sometimes it just takes being at peace at content for God to move.  Even just a few weeks ago Todd got yet another interview at a place that seemed as perfect as possibly could be.  School was starting here literally just two weeks later.  So, I felt this was our last shot at a job to move back and if it didn't work we would be here another year.  (If someone reads this from Paoli.  I want you to know that Todd LOVES his job here. He was only applying for other jobs because he wanted to keep the door open if it was God's desire to bring us back to Indy near our family).

Well obviously it didn't work out.  I was absolutely crushed.  I grieved.  I was so mad at God for a few hours.  Why?  Why are we having to go through this?  What is my purpose here?  Why can't we be by our family and friends we miss so much?  Our family even wants us back.  Why?  I am so alone here.  I have no friends and neither do my kids.  How am I going to make it another year being so alone....and who knows maybe many more years that I will be stuck here..

After some of the hardest grief I have ever gone through in my life.  I knew that I couldn't continue to be so sad and just long each day to not be here and miss my old life.  In my despair I cried out to God.   Lord, if I have to live here please show me your purpose for me here.  Please help me to feel your presence in my life in very real ways.  I need to know you have not forsaken me.  If I have to live here please help the kids and I to connect and find friends.  Help us to get through another year or years here.  Help me to see the bigger picture.  Help me to have joy.  Help me to embrace this life here.  Help me to be happy here.  I said this prayer over and over again.

And here I am now at this moment.  And why should I be surprised, but God has shown very evidently that he is near and still continuing to take care of us.  I can see now how he probably protected us by keeping us here for the time being.  and get this.  no joke.  Through several circumstances over the last few weeks we have joined a bible study through another church.  Some of the families have kids the same age.  The kids play while the adults have the study.  I have been invited to not one, but TWO bible studies for moms with similar aged kids during the week.  We meet during the day and the kids again play while we fellowship.  And that is not it.  We have even joined other homeschooling moms (and yes I am homeschooling Elias for kindergarten-that is a whole other story) during the week to do a science lesson at different homes and then the kids all play after the short lesson. AND... last week and this week we even had different people come over to play and hangout.  Since I said this prayer we have literally done something with another family practically every day during the last two weeks.  It was JUST what I needed.  It is sweet blessings straight from God.  It is only through him.  It has lifted my spirits.  I was practically in tears several times as I have watched my kids finally interacting with other kids.  They have had so much fun.  They are so happy to be around other kids and it fills my empty heart back up. 

There is so much more that I could share, but to sum it up I am so thankful to have hope, joy, and peace again about living here when for quite some time I did not. 

For anyone that has never moved away from where they have grown up.....and especially to a very rural community you have no idea..  haha.  It just makes me laugh to how sheltered I was.  It is truly such a different life here in so many ways and it is almost like I am in a foreign country at times.  And I am being completely serious. 


Get this... I live amongst the Amish.  I live in the 2nd poorest county in the state, with the first just the county over.  I can guarantee most people reading this have never driven to places that are so far out in the middle of nowhere like I do on a regular basis.  I have never seen so many beat up trailers in my life.  I have to ask myself... people really live in that?  :(  I even noticed the other day that I slipped a very improper English phrase out.  Because half of the people talk like this...  I seen that.  I does that to today.  I got me a drink. and so on...  A lot of people don't have teeth.  People are used to having nothing and very content with it.  There is absolutely no traffic ever.  Driving amongst very hilly and windy gravely roads is the norm.  Most of our friends live on dozens of acres in farm houses or cabins surrounded by clothes lines full of freshly put up clothes.  Chickens running around.  For wheelers to drive.  kids running around through all the fields and woods chasing each other while shooting each other with guns.  oh and wearing davey crocket racoon tail hats while doing it.  Yes my kids do this.  Sometimes I feel like I am apart of the show little house on the prairie.  I have to pinch myself because it seems like a dream.  Truck after Truck on the roads.  Even most of the ladies here drive trucks.  Lots of chewing tobacco good ole' boys.  This is my life now.  I must embrace it.  The list could go on.  It is truly a site to see here.  I have culture shock still after living here for two years.  The craziest part is that my kids don't know any different.  They hardly remember life in Indy.  They are growing up the country life.  Which in a lot of ways I am so happy that they are.  I love that they run wild in the absolutely beautiful nature daily.  It is absolute picturesque here.  I need to start taking pictures of it for those that have not been here to see it.  Sometimes I feel like I am driving around gatlinburg on vacation.  (I want to make sure that even though I am stating these things it doesn't mean I they are "bad.".  It is just not what I am used to.  It has opened my eyes to a much bigger state and world.  In different parts people live very different lives.  and that is okay.  I am thankful to know this side because it has changed me and my perspective on life).

These past two years while living here God is stretching me and I am growing in ways I could have never imagined.  I am a MUCH stronger person.  My eyes have opened to so many new things.  I am thankful for grace because of the the pity party I gave myself last year.  Granted always the first year after having a baby is always more blue and we are home more and that did not help the situation.  I am moving to the brighter more optimistic side.  Yes, I still grieve and am homesick at times and will probably be as long as I live here....but I am at a better place.  The kids have felt all of these emotions too.  The kids talk very often about moving by Mimi and papaw and grandma and Papa and mention friends we left there.  They say when daddy gets a new job we can move back.  Elias will even randomly cry like just a few days ago about wanting to move back.  It is the lip quiver trying to hold back tears kind of sad....and then burst into tears.  It breaks my heart!  and I have to tell him while holding back my own tears that God has bigger plans then we can understand.  We just have to be happy and have joy while we are here.  I have hope we will someday move back.  I can honestly say I am thankful (which is not easy).  We are changed in a very positive way because of moving here and the experiences we are going through. 

In closing.  If you know anyone that is new to the area (or an outcast) where you live.  I really encourage you to embrace them.  Invite them into your home.  Help them get involved.  Be there friend.  It will be the best gift you can ever give to them.  They need you and you probably need them.  I vow to always minister to those people the rest of my life.  Because it is a hard road.  A friend posted this on her facebook today and I thought it was so fitting. 

"God's will is what we would choose if we knew what God knows." -Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Change can be good....but it isn't always easy...

Last week I went to the Lost River Market for my weekly grocery shopping.  All the employees greeted me by my name.  I even knew most of the other people shopping at the time.  A few days later the kids and I went to a nearby park to enjoy the beautiful weather.  We were with friends.  We waved to people in the community we knew.  On the way home I had very clear flashbacks to almost two years ago.  Two years ago in May, we drove to Paoli for the first time.  It was all new.  It was all different.  It was a place we were visiting.  It was not "home". 

Two years ago in May when we visited for the first we went to the same Lost River Market for lunch, but we didn't know anyone.  The employees knew we were new and visitors.  Who are these people? Where have they come from?  A man even came and sat down with us and asked why we were moving to Paoli.  I will never forget his words.  "people your age don't just move to Paoli.  I need to know why you are moving here.".  After lunch Todd went to meet with the principal, so the kids and I went to the the nearby park to play.  I remember the feelings of.....I can't believe this is actually happening.  we are really moving here?  I don't know a single person.  I wonder what it will be like to live here?  and the list could go on.  It has been a slow process, but for the first time the other day I had a realization.  This place that seemed so new and different two years ago is now my "home".  For the most part it is all our kids know.  We are now apart of this community.  We know lots of people here.  We have new friends.  We have a church community. We don't see resturants or malls on a regular basis. It isn't odd to see hilly windy roads.  Instead it is normal to see Amish buggy's on the road.  It is part of our routine to visit our favorite Amish families.  They invite us into there homes.  I now do most of my shopping online.  This list could go on as well.  You get the point.  We are now citizens in a small rural community.  gasp.  It is very different from my first 28 years living on the east side of Indianapolis.

A few weeks ago while driving to the bank to close on the house I felt like I was in a foreign place again.  I had to hold in the tears.  Closing on a house would make it official that this was our new home and new normal.  But inside I didn't feel like this was "home".  I didn't want to close on a house here.  In the middle of the closing I had to go get something out of the car and I couldn't hold in the tears any longer.  When I got to my van I sat and cried.  okay balled.  and screamed a few times. Then I regrouped and went back inside to finish closing on our house.  I just had to get the emotions out that I had been holding in.  As much as I like it here and it is now our "home", it still really isn't "home".

  Unless you have moved from the city to a small rural community it is probably hard to relate.  But, the differences are so many.  Especially if you add moving away from family.  There are so many pros and cons to both. For our current stage of life with 3 little kids it is much easier living here.  Things are much simpler.  It is a great place to raise small children. They love the country feel of life.  We love having a big yard surrounded by fields  We have met so many people that are so giving and kind.  True southern hospitality at it's finest.  Several people have gone above and beyond to welcome us in like family. We feel so blessed to have met such wonderful people.  Our kids even have a couple Paoli grandparents here.  They are spoiled!  Even though we know without a doubt we are suppose to be here, change is hard.  The reality has set it.  I am homesick.  My heart aches to be back near the city.  One thing I have learned is that I am a true city girl at heart.  I loved where I grew up.  It was a perfect mix.  In a suburb that has a country feel, but yet close to city life.  We miss having our family nearby and living life with our friends we moved away from.  Many of those friends we have known since childhood.  I could have never guessed 2 years ago that I would be living in Southern Indiana.  I have no idea what our future holds.  Even though it hasn't been easy I am so thankful for the opportunity to live in a rural area.  It is a perfect small community that has welcomed us in.  Our kids love it.  It has opened my eyes that there is more then corn in Indiana.  ;)  Sometimes we can get caught up in our little lives and forget how much bigger this world really is.  I am so sad that I haven't documented these two years very well.  I hope to post some pictures soon.  Especially our new house, which I LOVE and our growing kids.  I can't believe I only have pictures of Emery when she was a newborn.  She is so sweet and 9 months old already!  She just started crawling....well army crawling.  But she really gets around.  She is just so sweet and we are starting to see her little personality shine through.  Elias and Adeline are loving life and so excited that warm weather is on the way!  I am just as excited!  We are trying to get our grass growing because the muddy yard is getting old.  ; )   

To keep my mind off of being homesick I have turned to a creative outlet~photography.  I have been learning as much I can especially in the area of newborn portraiture!  I have been reading books and online soaking up as much information as I can.  My mom said I have never enjoyed learning, so she thinks this is great!  It is also a hobby gone wild.  I now have a little newborn photography business.  It has been so fun!  It may take a few years to break even from all my expenses....but as Todd told me in the beginning if I never break even or make money it doesn't matter.  I am having fun.  I have such a wonderful husband.  :)  More to come later!  :)